Share your parenting and baby jokes with other dads. Email us your best jokes and you will find them on Today’s Dad! Mail to important@baiboo.com.my and put ‘jokes’ in the subject line. Thank you for contributing to Today’s Dad! 13 Things you should never say to your pregnant wife… “I finished the cookies” “Retaining water? Sure, like the emergency drain retains water….” “I’m not implying anything, but I don’t think the baby weighs 20kg!” “Wow, that rose tattoo on your hip now has the size of a palm tree!” “You know, looking at her, you would never guess that Angelina Jolie had a baby” “Why don’t we name the baby after my secretary, Mimi.” “Got milk?” “Well, couldn’t the doctor induce labor? The 25th is the F1!” “Gosh, darling, you’re awfully puffy looking today.” “Zaini at the office, he peed out a kidney stone today, the size of a pea! My, that’s got to hurt a lot!” “I’m jalous; why can’t men experience the joy of giving birth?” “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?” “Get your own ice cream!”

Are you ready to be a parent?
Below you will find some simple tests to prepare you for the real thing.

1. Your wife can prepare like this: she can put on a wide dress and put a big bag of rice down the front. She should leave it there for 9 months. After the 9 months, take out 10% of the rice. For you as a future father: go to your local drugstore and empty your wallet on the counter. Tell the cashier to take what she wants. Then go to the supermarket and arrange for your entire monthly salary to be paid directly to their head office. Go home and read your newspaper for the last time…
2. Before you finally go ahead to have a baby, find a couple who are already parents and advise them about their method of discipline, their lack of patience and low tolerance levels and how they allow their children to run around screaming. Give them specific suggestions on how to improve their children’s behavior. Enjoy this moment…it is the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. If you want to feel what it is like for a mother to have the ‘night shift’: walk around in your living hall from 5pm to 10pm while you carry a wet bag weighing 3-5 kg. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.Get up at midnight and walk around in the living hall again, carrying the bag, of course, until 1am. Put on the alarm for 3 am. Since you can’t go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make yourself a hot drink. Go back to bed at 2.45am. Get up at 3am when your alarm goes off. Pick up your wet bag and sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put on the alarm for 5am for your partner to wake up. Get up. Make breakfast and keep all of this up for 5 years. Oh yes, look happy.
4. Are you sensitive about the mess children can make? Find out now: smudge peanut butter on your sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there for a month. Stick your fingers in your garden’s soil and rub them on the clean walls. To cover the stains: use crayons. Nice?
5. Take an egg box, use a pair of scissors and a can of paint and turn it into an alligator. Next, take a toilet paper tube. Use only sticky tape and some aluminum foil and turn it into a palm tree. Last but not least, take a milk pack, a ping pong ball and an empty Corn Flakes box and make an exact replica of the Petronas Towers. Did you manage? Congratulations! You are now qualified for a place on the Kindergarten committee.
6. Forget the Lotus and buy a family wagon. By the way, don’t think you can drive off in a clean and shiny car. Family cars don’t look like this. Get a chocolate ice cream and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 20 sen coin, stick it in the cassette or CD player. Buy a big bag of chocolate cookies and crumble them on the back seats. Finally. Run a garden shovel up and down the sides of your car. Ready you are!
7. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
8. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
9. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a kindergarten child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intent to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this DO NOT even contemplate having children.
10. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Corn Flakes and try to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Corn Flakes are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.
11. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends and Sesame Street and Disney. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, then you finally qualify as a parent!

First child?

"Is this her first child?", the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!", the man shouts in the phone,"This is her husband!!"

Mom would never say...

Stamp...

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit; the wife pregnant with their first baby.After everything was checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's tummy with permanent ink.

The couple got curious and wondered what the stamp was for. So, when they got home, the husband got his magnifying glass to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said: "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Great truths about life that parents have learned...

1. Raising kids is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that gray hairs don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in a gym class pulls a muscle.

4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when your monthly payment is due.

5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

6. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet and with a few nuts.

7. Today's mighty oak tree is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not for the toy.

10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

11. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Ate?

For weeks a 6 year old kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. This 6 year old boy was clearly impressed, but didn't say anything. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the upcoming birth.

The  teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said: "Zaini, what has become of that baby brother or sister that you were expecting at home?"

Zaini burst into tears and confessed: "I think mommy ate it!"

Your name is...?

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins and shortly before they were due she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business and unable to be reached. While in coma she gave birth and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very clever guy. She was sure that he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother, she asked him about the twins.

He said: "The  first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad at all! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The mom: "What did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew!"

Kampung delivery

An outstation doctor went to a kampung to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old son. The doctor instructed the boy to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver her baby.

The boy did as he was told, the mother pushed and after a little while the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the boy what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again", the 5 year old said, "He shouldn't have crawled upt there in the first place!"

Real life fun sayings 

As a band instructor at an elementary school, I require my students to turn in practice sheets signed by their parents so I can be sure they are putting in enough time. I had to laugh, however, when one parent wrote on her child's sheet, "Practiced 17 minutes, but it seemed like hours." -Megan E. Tuttle

Recently visiting my hometown, I ran into Bev, a classmate I had not seen in years. We updated each other on careers, marriages, children, and found common ground discussing the joys and hardships of being the single parent of a teenager. She admitted the decisions she made and advice she gave as a mother were based on hope and instinct rather than any certainty of what was best. I agreed, but said our parents probably felt the same way -- and we hadn’t turned out too badly. "Yeah," she replied. "But we had real parents. Our kids just have us." I understood exactly what she meant. -John R. Griffin

When I went into labor, I notified my parents and they rushed to the hospital. They arrived before my husband and were ushered into the room where I was being monitored. The doctor came in and, motioning to Dad, asked, "Is this the husband?" "Oh, no," Dad blurted out. "I’m the father!" -Theresa Correll

Ahead of me in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 waiting to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz was a couple with three children. Bored with the delay, the kids were fidgeting and punching one another while their parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way." -Frances Johnson

I spend my evenings in my studio sculpting busts of kings and queens. I had just put the finishing touches on Nefertiti when my eight-year-old daughter came in. She looked at the unusually large headdress, smiled in recognition and said, "Oh, it's Marge Simpson!" -Donna Diamond

Teaching my six-year-old daughter the days of the week, I asked her if she had any questions. "Yes," she replied. "Why is there more week than weekend?" -Carrie Aiello

The rain was drumming down on the tin roof of our camper. After a while, my six-year-old son asked, "Mommy, what's that noise?" "Rain, dear," I answered, "on the roof." "Santa?" he asked incredulously. "In the summer?" -Nadyne Greschner

We had a pesky problem with ants in the house, but I didn't realize how bad it was until one day when I was in the backyard with my four-year-old son. "Look, Dad," he said, pointing, "an ant got out of the house!" -Kirk Heisler

My husband and I often took turns at bedtime lying down with our toddler, Stephen, to help him go to sleep. One evening after my husband had been in our son's room for about half an hour, I was surprised to see Stephen come tiptoeing quietly into the living room. "It's okay, Mom," he informed me proudly, "Dad's asleep now." -Jennifer Trapnell

I looked out the window to check on my daughter, Jodie, and some neighbourhood children who were playing in the backyard. I noticed them running toward the house and could see Jodie holding one bloodied hand with the other. In a panic, I ran out of the house to meet her. Mistaking my look of concern, Jodie quickly assured me: "Don't worry, Mom, it's not paint." -Patsy Palmer

For months our family had been preoccupied with my search for a job. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he was going to draw up a list of jobs for them. They were silent for a moment before our six-year-old asked, "When are the interviews?" -Brenda Cobb

Our family of five was travelling by car from British Columbia to Ontario. On our third day, we stopped for dinner at a restaurant in Alberta. A man sitting at a neighbouring table asked my five-year-old son where we lived. "We used to live in a house," he replied, "but now we live in the car." -Betsy McClure

After we moved to a new community, we decided to send our children to Sunday school for the first time. Our eight-year-old daughter was ecstatic, but our ten-year-old son wasn't at all happy. After much coaxing, he finally agreed to give it a try. "But," he informed us darkly, "if there's even one math question, I'll quit!" -Terri Perrin

My ten-year-old daughter was reciting the Ten Commandments but became stuck after Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, and Honour thy father and thy mother. After a pause, however, she continued, "Thou shalt not drink and drive." -Patricia Hunt

My wife was getting ready for her first major business trip. As the time for departure drew nearer, things got quite emotional. Our family huddled together, and Holly told the children that she loved them very much and that she was going to miss them. Then suddenly her eyes filled with tears. Our five-year-old son, clutching his favourite blanket, grew concerned. He looked up at his mother and said, "Would you like to take my blanket with you?" -Marcel J. C. Ulliac

When a birthday card arrived from his grandmother, my six-year-old son held it unopened, staring at his name. "Who's it from?" he wondered. "Look up in the corner of the envelope," I suggested. After a moment, he exclaimed, "It's from the Queen!" -Lorraine Zettler

While I was putting my reluctant five-year-old to bed one evening, he looked up at me and said accusingly, "I know what you and Dad do at night when I'm in bed." Rather taken aback by this statement, I asked what he meant. "You eat all the good stuff," he replied. -Laura Best

As an Ontario provincial policeman, I was extremely proud when my three-year-old son stated that he was going to be a policeman when he grew up. "If you're going to be a policeman," my wife replied, "you're going to be an educated policeman." "No," he replied emphatically, "I'm going to be a provincial policeman!" -Rainer I. Edward

I realized just how environmentally conscious my seven-year-old daughter was when I tried to explain to her what organ donation was. When I finished, she said: "Oh, I understand. It's like... recycling!" -Glenna Cairnie

After stopping at the pet store to pick up supplies for Whiskey, their dog, my sister-in-law, Kay, and her young daughter, Sheila, went to the supermarket. At the checkout, Kay couldn't figure out why she didn't have enough money to pay for the groceries. "Don't you remember, Mom?" Sheila reminded her in a loud voice. "You spent all your money on Whiskey." -Gerry McCallum

"I'm not going to wear this shirt to church!" declared my six-year-old son, Cameron. I insisted he wear it and said he could change when we got home. Cameron then tried to enlist his father's support. When that failed, Cameron informed me that after church he'd be running away. "Why wait?" I asked. "I'm not going to run away in this shirt!" he exclaimed. -Debbie Innis

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings

DUMB WAITER: a waiter who asks if the kids would like to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him or her.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone says a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our  children to be as long as they do everything we say

OW: the first word spoken by children with an older brother or sister

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with your saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never punt a child wearing Superman pyamas.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

You know your wife has turned into a MoM when...

• She automatically double-knot everything she ties.
• You find her humming the Barney song as she's doing house chores.
• She hears a baby cry in the supermarket and she starts to gently rock back and forth, even when your baby is at home!
• She actually starts to smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
• She cries through every scene in Bambi.
• She gets all excited with the idea of writing a book called "101 Fun Crafts to do with eggshells and dry peas"
• She spends half an hour searching for her sunglasses until you suggest to her that she wears the ones she pushed up on her head.
• You and her are out for a romantic dinner, enjoying some real adult conversation, when she suddenly leans over and start to cut up your steak in small bites!

Share your parenting and baby jokes with fellow dads. Email us your best jokes and you will find them on Today’s Dad! Mail to important@baiboo.com.my and put ‘jokes’ in the subject line.

Thank you for contributing to Today’s Dad!